Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
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