We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
