ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
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