how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Randomize
