I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Randomize
