Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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