i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
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