I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Randomize
