any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
Randomize