Already got asked if we're dating
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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