Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
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