Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
