I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
i out mim tonsoeep
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
