I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
