just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
