fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Randomize
