i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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