You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Randomize
