Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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