My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
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