a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
