I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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