So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
