theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
