i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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