Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
