Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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