I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
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