I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Who put my cat in the fridge?
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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