omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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