We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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