Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Randomize
