U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
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