You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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