Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
