I love black thongs
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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