i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
i out mim tonsoeep
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