can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Randomize
