You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
