I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Randomize