My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize