so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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