On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
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