and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
