She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Randomize
