You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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