Of course we end up in a gay bar... And I have to tell you there are some hot dudes here, should I pass around your Facebook?
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Randomize
