I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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