when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
