I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Randomize
