I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
