Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Randomize
