omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
