At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
