Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
