if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Randomize
